Forbidden Topics: Miscarriages, Caesarian Session and combating wrong beliefs about them.

As a young girl growing up in a rural community in Ondo, Nigerian, I was not taught some essential topics pertaining to my body despite the fact that I attended a girls' only secondary school.

Classes on female reproductive organs in Biology or Integrated Science classes always end up with the teacher staying tight lipped as if we were discussing Lord Voldermort from Harry Potter.

As I grew, I found answers for myself and recently started a series of conversation on WhatsApp focusing on what I call "forbidden topics". These are conversations centered on sensitive topics pertaining to women and girls Sexual Reproductive Health Rights (SHRH). I began this series because I saw a need for people to stop the stigma around such topics, share their experiences so that young girls like myself can learn and this week focus is on miscarriages and Caesarian Session.

Irrespective of modernization and technology, some people still believe that Caesarian Session (CS) is not good while abortion is blatantly wrong. Even in Nigeria, abortion is a criminal offence punishable by prison term with the exception of few situations which must indicate a dire need.

A woman who chooses CS instead of natural birth is often seen as "incomplete" or not motherly enough. I've heard elderly women (those in the grandmother range) shutting up their daughters who had CS for their childbirth with statements like "Shut up! You too think you're a mother. Wasn't he cut out of you? He didn't come through you". Not only do I find such statements derogatory as the concept of motherhood is now basically reduced to the method of childbirth, I find it appalling and dangerous to the mental health of such woman who have been made to face that remark.

The level of stigmatization available to mothers who have gone through CS is not making it easy for silence to be broken on the matter. I had the honour of having three women who were mothers and have gone through either a miscarriage or a CS. Hearing them speak openly about their experiences helped in shedding light on some myths surrounding the situations.

From their inputs to my WhatsApp episodes of "Forbidden Topics", I deduced these information

First and Foremost, every body is different and the physical and psychological strength of each woman differs from the other even though they're both women.

On the topic of Caesarian Session, two women spoke and they both had different experiences.

One of them said and I quote

"The difference between CS and vaginal birth is that, for the latter the pain comes before the birth while for the former, the pain comes afterwards. People who say CS is easy are superbly ignorant. I had my baby through CS and the only 'easy' part of it was the surgery itself. After the anesthesia waned, I called Jesus more than I have ever called him in my life although not loudly but I was in tremendous pain" while the other said she was back to her feet and normal activities the third day after the surgery, no pain, no complications.

So, to young women and intending mothers, childbirth does not have a specific experience expect for the joy of motherhood. How the body responds differs and so, don't measure yourself by another woman's experience.

Second, having a Caesarian Session is not a crime.

For people of the Christian faith like myself who have read about the "Hebrew Women form of birth" which involves standing and all, and we've been programmed to do same and nothing less, Caesarian Session is not Unbiblical.

Personally, I hope to become a mother one day but everytime I see videos of natural birth, I shiver to my core. Childbirth itself is an indication of the unspoken strength women possess and our high level of tolerance and endurance. However, for a woman who is afraid of going through that painful process, CS can be an alternate as long as it is done with proper medical procedures and with professionals. Neither will God punish you as a woman nor will doing so make you less of a mother.

I think one of my favorite moment of the evening was a young man who commented and said "If I have my way, all my babies, CS ni oooo. It’s even safer. Why will I be seeing my wife go through all that shiii, and I’ll be okay with it. It’s up to her though, she has the final say because it’s her body. But if she lets me make the decision, CS baby..". I take this as an indication that some men are joining in as supporters of women being able to make decisions for their bodies which is a positive advancement for gender equality

Furthermore, on the issue of "How many times is it advisable for a person to undergo CS?".

I had a registered Nurse talking about how three times is still medically safe as long as there is enough intervals between the children. However, to go beyond that limit is not medically advisable. But then, three children is good enough in this age and time, isn't it? Let's help flatten the population curve please.

This icing on the cake for the night was on Miscarriages.

To me, miscarriages are still seen as a taboo. While it is such a sad situation for an expecting mother, I am of the opinion that the stigmatization needs to stop, it's about time. Some communities still consider women who had miscarriages as witches or being punished by the gods and these beliefs are often propagated by even the educated population who should know better.

A lady friend shared her personal experience on the conversation.

"Miscarriage is not what you wish for your enemy but many women don't get the necessary support when it happens. When I had a miscarriage, I saw another side of my husband, he was extremely patient and reassuring during and after the process. The pregnancy was over three months so it wasn't expected. My mother in law simply said such don't happen in her family and introduced me to a pastor that was casting out my 'mammywater' spirit. Funny enough, she's endearing on a normal day and up till now I still wonder why she made that statement or did that. It was after that event that my dad told me my mum's experience too and how they dealt with it. That it'll pass. My mum didn't talk about it rightaway. It took some effort. It was emotional torture for months until a doctor came to my rescue through counselling. Funny enough, it wasn't a scheduled meeting. We met on the road".

The openly indicated the traditional beliefs surrounding miscarriages which can be attributed to so many things, stress inclusive, the "mammywater spirit" reference here is a clear show of how far we still need to go. NOTE: Mammywater is a Nigerian slang for mermaids who in Nigerian folklores are believed to be fair skinned. The lady sharing her experience is also fair skinned.

A 61 year old woman also opened up on her experience after many years. She had 5 miscarriages.

Another lady commented on the wrong beliefs surrounding these situations saying "I don't even think it's worth debating about. Why would any sane human stigmatize a woman for loosing her pregnancy? I was already in love with my baby as soon as I confirmed I was pregnant. Loosing the pregnancy would have been a forever pain. Women who go through that and survive are super heroes really".

Conclusively, we need to do better. Natural birth, Caesarian Session and Miscarriages are all experiences that take a toll on the psych of a woman and we need to stop propagating wrong and archaic beliefs concerning them.

Also, we need mental health specialist in that area and women to share their experiences and heal. We need to stop the stigma. Having stillbirths is even worse. Imagine carrying a visible pregnancy with no baby at the end. May God console everyone who has had bitter motherhood experiences and those who will still have.

If you've gained something through this post, kindly let me know in the comment section.

Next Episode on Forbidden Topics will be on

"Safe Abortion practices and the need for legislations supporting such in Nigeria"